They called him Meat-Wad and I miss him

I've been thinking about him again. I don't know why, I guess I miss telling him about the problems I'm going through. I never really had a stable male figure while I was growing up. I did not even have any guy friends until I came to college. Anyway this past Friday night I went to see a friend who is dating someone from the Knights (they are a frat on campus) and they all knew who I was and why? I tell you why it's because from August of 05 to August of 07, I was involved with a former football player who no longer goes here. So the Knights and probably most of the team called him Meat-Wad because he worked out a lot and when you first talk to him, he seems a few crayons short of a whole box even though he was much smarter than he first appears.

I loved him and I still love him. I did everything humanly possible that a person can do for someone they care so much about. I can't even be with someone else without thinking about him and feeling why isn't this him? Why didn't it work out? Why wasn't I good enough? Why did he lie about wanting to be with me? Why bother saying s**t that you don't even mean? I hate myself for still caring about him the way I do, it makes me so effing disgusted, but I can't help the fact that I still love him and want/wish he could have loved me for who I am, imperfections and all.

I'll leave you all with this song by Sara Bareilles that reminds me of him and my thoughts about feeling like I'll never get over it.