It's been a while

I have not written an entry for a while now and lots of things have changed since the last time I wrote one. So I think I'll be writing more now especially since I have a lot on my mind.

I hate technology always and forever

Sometimes when it rains, it pours.

Today or I should say yesterday since it's after 12, one of the worst things that can happen to a college student happened to me. I was still home in NJ when around 2 pm I decided to turn on my computer and check my email real quick before I headed back to school. I turned it on as I always do and then the magical black screen suddenly came up. It told me that my computer couldn't read my Windows program and that I needed to reinsert my Windows Vista CD. Now for all of yous that don't understand what that means it means that everything I have on my hard drive is now gone. So, I put in the CD when all of a sudden the computer wouldn't even start. I went into panic mood, all that work I had done was gone and now my effing computer that isn't even one year old won't turn on.

The first thing I did was I called my mother. As soon as I heard her voice I broke down. Now I know it was foolish of me to save my work on my computer instead of a usb drive but I didn't have one so I save it on my laptop. I couldn't control myself the tears just poured out from my face, all of the work I had done was gone. Every single paper I had done that was due this week had just vanished in front of me. What professor would believe me that around 2 something my computer had given up on me. Truthfully it sounds like complete bulls**t or maybe I'm just in denial cause I don't want to believe that this is true. I have three papers due in a few hours as well as a final exam. I'm so f**ked but maybe I deserve this. Maybe I did something wrong but all I know is that I have my work cut out for me. I just needed to get this out of my chest, I really hate technology but mostly Dell.

God help me get through these next two days........

Weekend Plans

My weekend is going to start tomorrow with the annual Psych department BBQ party. I'm making Spanish rice and strawberry lemonade. I'm also helping my friend make some delicious fudge brownies. After the party I'm going home so I can see my puppy Cosmo who I'm missing like crazy. I wonder how big he has gotten; I haven't seen him in like two weeks.

Sorry Bob, I didn't know what else to write about. Also I finish an entry from before it's under the second music video. I have so much work to do and honestly all I want to do sleep.

I'm done....

It's official I have senorities. All I want to do is sleep and lay around after all I've been taking college course from August of 2004 til now including summers where I have taken any where from 6 to 16 credits......I'm exhausted mentally. Summer please hurry.

Stuck in my mind

For some reason this song has been stuck in my head all day long. I decided to share it with everyone so it can get stuck in your heads.

The more it happens, the more it hurts.....

Today one of my friends who used to go here instant messaged me around 3:30ish. She told me about her break up with her boyfriend, I'm assuming because I sort of know him since he is in two of my current classes. Anyway some of the things she said got me thinking. It reminded me of some of the things I had gone through with the only man I ever loved.

Of course her situation and my former situation has its similarities and differences. For one, this is about the third or fourth sad break up for her that I have heard about. I've only been through two heartbreaks with one being major. The things that came out of her mouth have come out of mine though I'm sure others have felt and said them as well.

Things such as "I haven't gone to any of my classes, I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, I just don't feel like doing anything." I remember feeling like that, the feeling of not wanting to live any more because the pain is so powerful.

I do have to say I haven't had the bad luck that she has had with the men she has been involved with during her college career. Still these painful experiences are something she never saw herself going through, such as seeing someone all the while they were seeing someone else behind her back her freshman year here at LVC. As for me never in a million years would I have foreseen myself telling this boy I hang out with everyday that I think I'm falling in love with him and how much he means to me. Well not that part exactly but after saying that we were intimate and an hour after we were finish you know what he did. He f**ked someone else. I cried in the peace garden with my friend Sharon handing my hand asking God what I could have done to deserve this. I thought about every single thing I had done wrong but I felt that nothing I had done could have possibly lead to this type of karma.

I understand where Devon is coming from though. Why does this keep happening to people like her and I. Are we bad people? Most importantly will we ever find someone who would be doing shitty things to us or behind our backs. All I know is that the more it happens, the more and longer it hurts, only because we can't believe its happening again.

Personality Tests

I'm not sure why but I like to take on-line personality test. I do this to see what parts of my personality has changed and what parts are still the same. For instance, with the Myers-Briggs tests I have gone from INFP to ENFP meaning I have gone from being an introvert to an extrovert. Actually with most personality test that part is the only part that has changed in me. I still get shy moments like when I'm going on a date but for the most part I talk a lot more than I used to do. I think I have changed for the better, it feels nice to let others know how you feel and to voice my opinion.

They called him Meat-Wad and I miss him

I've been thinking about him again. I don't know why, I guess I miss telling him about the problems I'm going through. I never really had a stable male figure while I was growing up. I did not even have any guy friends until I came to college. Anyway this past Friday night I went to see a friend who is dating someone from the Knights (they are a frat on campus) and they all knew who I was and why? I tell you why it's because from August of 05 to August of 07, I was involved with a former football player who no longer goes here. So the Knights and probably most of the team called him Meat-Wad because he worked out a lot and when you first talk to him, he seems a few crayons short of a whole box even though he was much smarter than he first appears.

I loved him and I still love him. I did everything humanly possible that a person can do for someone they care so much about. I can't even be with someone else without thinking about him and feeling why isn't this him? Why didn't it work out? Why wasn't I good enough? Why did he lie about wanting to be with me? Why bother saying s**t that you don't even mean? I hate myself for still caring about him the way I do, it makes me so effing disgusted, but I can't help the fact that I still love him and want/wish he could have loved me for who I am, imperfections and all.

I'll leave you all with this song by Sara Bareilles that reminds me of him and my thoughts about feeling like I'll never get over it.

Tattoos

The other day I was thinking about getting another tattoo. I would put it on my foot to cover up this scar I have on it, but I want it to mean something to me. I have one on my lower back on the right side. It says strengh and under the h is a heart and the letter h is dropping into the half filled heart. It's supposed to mean that my strengh pours into my heart and I love it. It is my best quaility, my strengh.

On other note I think guys who have tattoos on their muscular arms are absolutely sexy and yummy.

My Dad, My Hero?? Apparently Not

This is kind of a touchy subject but last night when I was celebrating my friend's birthday her father had come down to celebrate it with her. It made me think of my father and our little stand-off we have going on each other. Over the fall semester I started getting upset over the things that my father has put me through, thanks to being in therapy. I mean the man doesn't even know when my birthday is, he think its in June when in fact it's in July. To add insult to injury he doesn't even call me on the day he apparently thinks I was born on anyway.

So to let him know how I feel about it I did not call him on his birthday, on Christmas, and on New Year's Eve. On the same token, its not like he called me on those holidays either. So as you may or may not know I still have another year to go til I graduate. So I asked my dad if he could still help me out financially, he gives me child support because my mother took him to court but that's another story. So I asked him to help me for another year and he said it wasn't his fault that I did not finish in time and that I went to such an expensive school. So when I told my mother about she of course called him and asked about it.

You know what he told her. He told my mom why should I still help her, "What has she done for me?". Excuse me, what have I done for him? This is coming from a man who not only cannot remember to call me on my birthday without my mother reminding him but who has never really been there for me. He must be mistaken if he think that just because I get a check in the mail, he is being a great father. It really makes me sad that the people he goes to the bar with not only know him better but he spends more time with them than he does with his children. Father's Day always makes me sad.

I quit

I quit Rugby like a week ago but I have yet to email the team. I just don't have the time to do it and everything else I want/have to do. I'm already missing everyone I played with during my junior year. I've been friends with those girl since freshmen year it's not that I don't see them around but it's great to play a sport with your friends. Another reason why I quit is because of my left knee and foot. For some reason I been in pain. When I wake up in the morning my foot is stiff and it really hurts to walk on as for my knee I feel these weird sensations that I honestly cannot describe. Its almost like I can't feel my blood flowing through my knee and I feel the need to bend my leg in order to feel it again. I just hope that nothing is seriously wrong with my left leg.

I Can't Make Up My Mind

I feel that I can never really make up my mind. I never really know if I want to continue to study Psychology or do something else. I hate that fact about me. I here in almost my fifth year of college and I still don't know what will truly made me happy to do in the long run. I tried cooking school which I'll get into more details later but I still can't figure it out. Maybe I still don't know who I am.......

Don't Even Get Me Effin Started

I'm in a extremely bad effin mood. I don't know why I came back to this ish hole. Presentations piss me off, at least in the Soc. dept it does. I'm used to a different set of rules in the Psych Dept. For one no one can be late whether or not they are presenting or not, if you are points get dropped from your final grade. Another thing is that no matter what you have to go on your presentation day. All I have to say is eff you back.

Thanks Mom

Before I came to college I was a quite girl with hardly any friends from high school because I did not want any. I had figured why bother I'm leaving in four years anyway. problem was over the summer I decided I did not want to be like that any more. I was going to talk more and be more involved with school and my social life after all, this was a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, my extreme shyness got in my way so I didn't bother talking to any one when I got here except for my two roommates but since I was a science major and they where Psych majors our schedules were not the same. Since they were the same I got left out of things that they ended up doing together.

So I was upset one day and feeling moody when my mother called me. It was like all of a sudden I could hold it in any longer, the tears just poured down my face. I felt so alone and I was hating my first college tests grades even though truth be told I hadn't really studied. In fact I have studied in high and I still graduated in the top 20 percent. Anyway, a day or two later I had forgotten my cell in my room and my mother called but since I didn't pick up the phone she called my room. I unfortunately was not there but one of my roommates was in the room so she picked up. When I got back from whatever it was I was at, my roomie told me my mom had called the room looking for me. Now I'm pretty good and reading people and their facial expressions and body language and right away I knew something was wrong.

I called the mother unit as soon as I stepped out of the door. It was then she told that she had a "little talk" with my roommate. I could have died the moment I heard what she said. Out of know where this anger and resentment I was feeling came pouring out of my mouth. Now I have never cursed at my mother before or since this incident, but you can say that the words f**k, s**t, and b***h came out of my mouth. I felt so betrayed by her, I have always told my mother almost every single thing I have done but this was the first time I felt I couldn't tell her anything any more. Looking back on it now though it's kinda embarrassing but it's kinda funny since I'm still friends with the girl so cursed out on the phone.

Sadness

Thinking about my past is more sad than I thought it would be. I thought it would be a release and in some way it is but in another is just my failures written down for me and the rest of the world to see.

Welcome to College

Move in Day, a magical day truly. You get to move in all the things you can and what you can remember into a tiny box sized room that you have to live in with some random stranger that the college decides that you can get along with for the next year of your life. To add to the delitement of the rooming situation was that I had to live with two girls in a room made for only two people. Great.

When I was a little girl

So my next step as a future college student was to pick a major. I was not too sure what I wanted to do; I knew I enjoyed psychology and I absolutely loved and still do U.S. History. Then one day during lunch it hit me, I wanted to be a doctor. When I was a little girl I wanted to be just like Dr. Pacilleia, she was my Pediatrician, so what was my major when I first stepped into the doors of LVC. Bio-Chemistry of course.

In the Beginning

When I first decided to continue my education, there was only one thing I knew I wanted, and that was to go to college out of state. In the third grade my teacher Ms. Balbach told our class of fresh young minds that if we didn't get out of the state of NJ for college we would never get out. Now I'm not sure why exactly I kept that statement with me the whole time but I did.

So with that in mind during my Junior year of high school, I looked up colleges to go to in Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Florida. So I did what all upper class men high school students do, I went to open houses, visited, had interviews and made sure I like what I saw before I applied to these institutions.

Thing is the college I decided to go to I didn't follow any of these steps. It happened one day in lunch, I was freaking out because I got rejected from one school even though I had gotten into two others, but I was still panicking. So one of my friends told me about this school called Lebanon Valley College aka LVC. Never heard of it but I decided why not, the dead line was in like one and half weeks. So I quickly put my things together and mail out the application.

I did not even know where the school was, what programs it had to offer, or what the school even looked like, but there it was a few weeks later my acceptance letter. After careful review of all the schools I gotten into I decided on LVC since they gave me the most money. I didn't know what to expect from college or how it was going to go but there is one thing I learned, my new educational journey was about to begin.........