Tattoos

The other day I was thinking about getting another tattoo. I would put it on my foot to cover up this scar I have on it, but I want it to mean something to me. I have one on my lower back on the right side. It says strengh and under the h is a heart and the letter h is dropping into the half filled heart. It's supposed to mean that my strengh pours into my heart and I love it. It is my best quaility, my strengh.

On other note I think guys who have tattoos on their muscular arms are absolutely sexy and yummy.

My Dad, My Hero?? Apparently Not

This is kind of a touchy subject but last night when I was celebrating my friend's birthday her father had come down to celebrate it with her. It made me think of my father and our little stand-off we have going on each other. Over the fall semester I started getting upset over the things that my father has put me through, thanks to being in therapy. I mean the man doesn't even know when my birthday is, he think its in June when in fact it's in July. To add insult to injury he doesn't even call me on the day he apparently thinks I was born on anyway.

So to let him know how I feel about it I did not call him on his birthday, on Christmas, and on New Year's Eve. On the same token, its not like he called me on those holidays either. So as you may or may not know I still have another year to go til I graduate. So I asked my dad if he could still help me out financially, he gives me child support because my mother took him to court but that's another story. So I asked him to help me for another year and he said it wasn't his fault that I did not finish in time and that I went to such an expensive school. So when I told my mother about she of course called him and asked about it.

You know what he told her. He told my mom why should I still help her, "What has she done for me?". Excuse me, what have I done for him? This is coming from a man who not only cannot remember to call me on my birthday without my mother reminding him but who has never really been there for me. He must be mistaken if he think that just because I get a check in the mail, he is being a great father. It really makes me sad that the people he goes to the bar with not only know him better but he spends more time with them than he does with his children. Father's Day always makes me sad.

I quit

I quit Rugby like a week ago but I have yet to email the team. I just don't have the time to do it and everything else I want/have to do. I'm already missing everyone I played with during my junior year. I've been friends with those girl since freshmen year it's not that I don't see them around but it's great to play a sport with your friends. Another reason why I quit is because of my left knee and foot. For some reason I been in pain. When I wake up in the morning my foot is stiff and it really hurts to walk on as for my knee I feel these weird sensations that I honestly cannot describe. Its almost like I can't feel my blood flowing through my knee and I feel the need to bend my leg in order to feel it again. I just hope that nothing is seriously wrong with my left leg.

I Can't Make Up My Mind

I feel that I can never really make up my mind. I never really know if I want to continue to study Psychology or do something else. I hate that fact about me. I here in almost my fifth year of college and I still don't know what will truly made me happy to do in the long run. I tried cooking school which I'll get into more details later but I still can't figure it out. Maybe I still don't know who I am.......

Don't Even Get Me Effin Started

I'm in a extremely bad effin mood. I don't know why I came back to this ish hole. Presentations piss me off, at least in the Soc. dept it does. I'm used to a different set of rules in the Psych Dept. For one no one can be late whether or not they are presenting or not, if you are points get dropped from your final grade. Another thing is that no matter what you have to go on your presentation day. All I have to say is eff you back.

Thanks Mom

Before I came to college I was a quite girl with hardly any friends from high school because I did not want any. I had figured why bother I'm leaving in four years anyway. problem was over the summer I decided I did not want to be like that any more. I was going to talk more and be more involved with school and my social life after all, this was a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, my extreme shyness got in my way so I didn't bother talking to any one when I got here except for my two roommates but since I was a science major and they where Psych majors our schedules were not the same. Since they were the same I got left out of things that they ended up doing together.

So I was upset one day and feeling moody when my mother called me. It was like all of a sudden I could hold it in any longer, the tears just poured down my face. I felt so alone and I was hating my first college tests grades even though truth be told I hadn't really studied. In fact I have studied in high and I still graduated in the top 20 percent. Anyway, a day or two later I had forgotten my cell in my room and my mother called but since I didn't pick up the phone she called my room. I unfortunately was not there but one of my roommates was in the room so she picked up. When I got back from whatever it was I was at, my roomie told me my mom had called the room looking for me. Now I'm pretty good and reading people and their facial expressions and body language and right away I knew something was wrong.

I called the mother unit as soon as I stepped out of the door. It was then she told that she had a "little talk" with my roommate. I could have died the moment I heard what she said. Out of know where this anger and resentment I was feeling came pouring out of my mouth. Now I have never cursed at my mother before or since this incident, but you can say that the words f**k, s**t, and b***h came out of my mouth. I felt so betrayed by her, I have always told my mother almost every single thing I have done but this was the first time I felt I couldn't tell her anything any more. Looking back on it now though it's kinda embarrassing but it's kinda funny since I'm still friends with the girl so cursed out on the phone.

Sadness

Thinking about my past is more sad than I thought it would be. I thought it would be a release and in some way it is but in another is just my failures written down for me and the rest of the world to see.